Giancarlo Francesco Colombo

One Year In The Light

May 30, 2006

Music means different things to different people. Some of us find our music in a wave upon sand and the sea on the shore. For others it is in the clear sound of the lark or in the beating of drums or perhaps in the tapping of feet in the flamenco. Different sounds appeal to each of us in different ways. Giancarlo and I shared a love of jazz. I never knew Giancarlo, but I’ve had the privilege this past year of learning about him from his mother and his friends.

Perhaps that is why musicians are so popular. Maybe it’s because they play on our hearts' chords as they play on their instruments.

So it was with Giancarlo. His music called each one of us in a different way. Giancarlo was a sensitive musician. He loved his own kind of music of course, but he had a respect and admiration of all other kinds as well. He enjoyed nothing more than an informal session with fellow artists, playing simply for the kick they got out of their songs and tunes. He loved to improvise to play something in a new chord, a different key. Giancarlo spent his whole life, it seems, looking for that famous lost chord.

Giancarlo leaves a legacy of joy in the music he shared with others, of long chats with friends, of his insight into the world around him. He was a deep soul, a passionate person, for him perfection was the goal in life. What life had yet to teach him was that none of us are perfect.

Giancarlo was lively and light-hearted. He was always happy to meet new people, add something new to his life. Yet he had his quiet moments when he withdrew into himself and into the music he loved so much. He was a feeler, all of the great creative masters had deep feelings. He was among the best.

Giancarlo has traveled many hearts. He has touched so many lives even in his passing that he will never truly be gone.

There is a saying that says “music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life”. So it was with Giancarlo’s music. His passion became our passion, his joy our joy and even his pain is now our pain.

Giancarlo, though, was also a person who had other attributes that had nothing to do with music. He was kind and generous and he enjoyed a laugh. He was always willing to do you a good turn. He had a genuine interest in people and what they did with their lives. It didn't really matter to him whether they knew a b flat from a c sharp. He was good with children and loved making a difference in the lives of others. Giancarlo always believed that if you were lucky enough to have a gift you should share it.

Yes, the loss of Giancarlo has affected us deeply, even I am moved by this young man and inspired to create a better world for others. Many years ago, when I was a young woman, I also, demanded a lot from myself. Life seemed to come at me and I sometimes felt at a loss with my feelings. I wasn’t sure which direction I should go in. I’m grateful that someone reached out to me and showed me that there was light beyond the darkness. I wish I could have done that for Giancarlo.

He’s no longer with us physically, but he’s in every balloon you send off, every tear you shed, every laugh you share and every hug you give.

And when you look up at the sky at night he’s standing out from all the rest, he’s the guiding light home, he is lighting the path we all should follow.

We love you, Giancarlo. Thank you for all the lessons you’ve taught us.

Whattsa Matta U?

Some people think that all cancer patients are going to look like holocaust victims, gaunt and lifeless. Some of us are quite lively given our situation.

I have good days and bad. Zometa treatment I think is making me toxic.

Nothing quite like feeling like you are being turned into a Nuclear Waste Dump.

I'd be happy if cancer=smaller butt.

Breast implants aren't all they are hyped up to be. In December I had surgery to remove mine because they had become encapsulated with scar tissue. They were replaced, even though I had and still have reservations about replacing them.

Then the problems set in.

My left incision opened up about 8 inches. I felt like I was looking at the Grand Canyon. I could swear you could yodel in there and it would echo back. Really weird to see your chest open up.

It subsequently opened up a total of three times, after my plastic surgeon tried to close me up. He said it was because I had radiation on the left side. But my question to him was "then how come the first time you did this I didn't have any problems" and he commented he must have been lucky.

The wound was too big for me to manage and too gross. I couldn't even reach it. I requested wound care. Almost felt like I had to fight for it. Finally I got to go to wound care nearest my house. Nice folks, caring too. It took us two months to get this to close up.

And even then I ended up with a stap infection in the wound.


So ladies please really think about whether or not breast implants are worth it. I realize some of you reading this will be thinking "we'll I'm just doing it to have bigger breasts". please do your homework. These things are not fun to deal with when there are problems.

I'm hoping at some point I can just have them removed, be flat chested and then I can head to the nearest tatoo parlor, get something raunchy tatooed on my chest or maybe I can auction my bare chest off as an advertising billboard on Ebay!

I am a Starbucks junkie. Venti hot chocolate, extra hot,whip, hold the drizzle. Not exactly the kind of nourishment a cancer patient should probably be taking in, but I look at it this way. "What have I got to lose?"

The great thing about Starbucks is that they have T Mobile Hot Spot service there. I only have dial up at home and we aren't even able to get DSL at my house. With my laptop being wireless it's so nice to be able to go and enjoy a beverage, a munchie and do what I need to do at lightning speed.

I've been bugging T Mobile to come up with wireless for homes. They say they are working on something. Stay tuned. I'll be one of the first ones to get it if I am still here.

I guess I shouldn't save if, think positive. I will be here.

My illness isn't cureable, but I've survived longer than most people thought I would and the great thing is I've had time to become laptop proficient.

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced this with a doctor, so I am just going to speak my peace.

Some doctors are really into the white coat and the title, some are healers and could care less about the money or the title.

Unfortunately I've met too many of the first kind and few of the second kind.

Where is Patch Adams when I need him? Where is a doctor who will listen to me, treat me as an intelligent being and be my partner? Why do they treat us like uneducated buffoons? I'm tired of being treated as if they know my body better than they do.

Doctors are not Gods, though they seem to like to think they are. I think patients ought to revolt and ask questions more often. Let's not let them intimidate us into submission. We have a right to answers. We have a right to being informed and understanding how a procedure or treatment can affect us. But some people feel doctors should be trusted. I don't. It's not that I hate doctors, it's that I want to be treated with respect. I want them to acknowledge that even though I may not have an M.D. by my name I am still a viable life.

And in some cases that M.D. might not mean Medical Doctor, I've met a few who seem Mentally Deficient, Mostly Drunk or Mostly Doped. And then there are the ones with the bed side manner of a pirana, we'll call them Mad Dogs instead of M.D.

And whatever became of choices? Why can't I have options for treatment? Why am I treated like the one kind fits all treatment is the only one for me?

Lots of questions, no answers yet. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

This past year has been intense.

In May of 2005 I was injured in a motorcycle accident. Kids playing basketball in the street caused my bike to flip. My face was pretty torn up and I was full of road burn. I've hired an attorney to go after the homeowner's insurance of the parent's. These folks have never even said they were sorry I got hurt. I have a scar right on my eyebone of my right eye. I don't typically have accidents I'm a very cautious motorcyclist.

Also in May I was told about a young man, a Stanford student, who committed suicide by Caltrain. I was very touch by his story, he was incredibly gifted and I put together a memorial website for him. I did not know him. I know this sounds weird, but it's very healing to help someone you don't know esp when you are dealing with your own major illness. I witnessed a Caltrain suicide years ago and it changes you. I just hope it really helps people to remember him in the way he lived, not in how he died. I just wish I could have played a duet with him (he was a gifted jazz pianist named Giancarlo Colombo), discussed his philosophies about life or just been a shoulder for him to lean on. It's so devastating to hear that he went for help several times and no one at the mental health clinic on campus really heard him. I've battled depression in my past and I can honestly say I've walked in Giancarlo's shoes. He never knew that this was a temporary problem, one that could be fixed. Many depressed people think that way. I hope he's tickling the ivories in heaven, everything I've heard about him tells me what a wonderful person he was. I also was able to hide my sadness, no one ever knew. I don't know if the dead can read blogs, but Giancarlo if you can read this please know that you touched a lot of lives and you continue to do so even now. Rest In Peace, Giancarlo.

OK I've not blogged in ages here, but it's quite disheatening to come back and find crap comments in this blog.

As I have been away for some time there is so much to say, but first I want to say that I really have been out of the loop on blog maintenance. I'd love it if people would leave comments that mean something, maybe in some way my writing about my cancer experience is helping you, or
that you can relate to what I am going through.

But please don't fill up my blog with comments for college degrees (which are unaccredited, thus phony) and anything unrelated to what this blog is for. I've discovered how to delete these posts and the great thing about this blogger is you can now block spam so I've turned it on.

I'll be updating you on my life over the next few days and apologize for not doing a better blogging job. My life has been complicated. Cancer is never easy, but even without the cancer
issue my plate has been full.

Thanks for reading, it's good to find this blog again.